Explanations are in order, apologies too.
In truth, I don’t know where to start, only that I must. So, warning: this is embarrassingly convoluted, messy, and brusque.
Old haunts. There are some places you can’t return and it’s best to make peace with that.
I used to pride myself on my ability to write, but lately I lost it. Or rather, I forgot it. No, perhaps more accurately, I neglected it until it became so foreign to me that the idea of my own words led to frustration and self-loathing.
(We tend to reserve the harshest words for ourselves, don’t we? A person can use the cruelest language against themselves that they would never use on another. There’s a whole essay in that, one that deserves things like proper footnotes and psychology terms. I intend to write it.)
But back to ‘neglect.’ Yes, that’s the most apt. It pushed (oh, paradox, you always show up when I least expect) from the surface all the way through to the heart of things.
I am sorry for that.
I don’t think I’ve ever been as worse as I have these past few months. Really, this past year. Maybe make it two, if I really dig deep.
If I start now, I think I’ll be able to get out of this.
A quarter of a century. Somehow I’ve made it this far, despite a lot of strange events. There were many things that have gone awry this past year, year and a half (which I’m still working on trying to find the words to explain); when I think of my trajectory, it’s nothing short of convoluted. When I think back on the goals that I set for myself for this point in time, I’m not where I hoped to be. And that’s okay. This isn’t meant to be a missive about regret (although, what birthday would be complete without it?), it’s about gratitude. If there’s one aspect in my life that’s overwhelmingly kept me steady, it’s the people in my life.
I’ve got a small group of friends, and I can’t fathom being surrounded by even more love than I already am.
Be it physical proximity or otherwise (hint: the data skews in favor of those who are not in my locale), I’m so, so thankful to know people who have an infinite capacity for kindness. Yes, I am talking about you. Without naming names, I hope you know who you are. I’m struggling with being a better person, and I could not do it without all the generosity, concern, and support you all have given me.
Too often I’m a recluse, tired and overwhelmingly anxious, yet somehow, you can forgive and continue to show patience while I slowly get back on my feet. You show no judgement to my many outlandish, perilous ambitions, instead offering encouragement and an honesty laced with compassion. The thoughtfulness that radiates from every one of our interactions astonishes me. Thank you for being an amazing listener.
I truly would not be here without your friendship, so from the depths of my soul, the bottom of my heart, and the maelstrom of my mind, thank you.
It’s been quiet here these past few months and I apologize for that. For once, it’s not from a lack of activity, rather, it’s been an onslaught. It’s been… messy, to say the least.
Thankfully, there are amazing people in my life to help remind me of the bright spots.
This past Friday my friend and I took an impromptu walk around the UC Berkeley campus and since neither of us attended the school, it was fun to stroll around the campus, exploring the lay of the land.
While wandering around, we got to wondering what it might have been like had we taken different paths in life. Now, I don’t regret where I ended up, what I eventually learned, or who I met, but as we’re all wont to do, I wondered, “what if?”
Yes, that question can quickly spiral us downward– it’s not just ruminating on the big choices (like going to a particular university), but the supposedly insignificant ones as well (“why did I say that in that way?”) that are so easy to immerse in.
However, sometimes it just becomes so tiring to think about the things that didn’t happen.
So instead, I’m starting ask “why not?”
Let’s make things happen.
Can’t believe we’re already at the end of the year! It’s been bizarre. There have quite a few changes– some inevitable, some absolutely unexpected (most of which I was completely unprepared for). All in all, it’s taught me that I need to get better at letting go. It’s not merely about letting go of the past, but also of releasing any preconceived notions ideas of the future and allowing everything to just… happen.
Here’s to the new year and new chances.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper, purely philobabble-y post, partly due to the fact that I haven’t been too thoughtful and that I’m hesitant to make picture-less posts ’cause the “how-to start a blog” articles in the recent years consider that to be bad blogging.
It’s a good thing that I’ve been at this for more than a decade, yeah?
In the month since I last updated, I haven’t been up to much. I’d like to say otherwise, but honestly, there hasn’t been much progress or growth, at least not of the tangible sort. Granted, there have been some family issues that have come up, but the kind that’s mostly emotionally exhausting than anything else. However, I’m not writing this as an excuse or an apology– I’ve certainly made many of those in the past.
My introverted and reserved personality has annoyingly led to spending too many days overanalyzing the significance of time and imposing too much importance on supposed milestones, all while failing to do the work to make them worthwhile.
Yeah, it’s silly.
As I near the second anniversary of Glass Lens, Gold Key, I intend to approach future work in the same way that I started this– on a whim. I had the idea and I just went with it, allowing it to evolve the way it has. Some ideas have been better than others, but I’m proud I was doing something rather than nothing. I intend to just run with ideas as they come, but more importantly, I want to share them with an immediacy that I haven’t allowed myself to pursue in the past. Given my frequent reluctance to do anything, it’s a habit that can only help, both personally and professionally.
And yes, this post was brought to you by the letter P. ;P (See?!)