philobabble

Explanations are in order, apologies too.

In truth, I don’t know where to start, only that I must.  So, warning: this is embarrassingly convoluted, messy, and brusque.

Old haunts. There are some places you can’t return and it’s best to make peace with that.

I used to pride myself on my ability to write, but lately I lost it. Or rather, I forgot it. No, perhaps more accurately, I neglected it until it became so foreign to me that the idea of my own words led to frustration and self-loathing.

(We tend to reserve the harshest words for ourselves, don’t we? A person can use the cruelest language against themselves that they would never use on another. There’s a whole essay in that, one that deserves things like proper footnotes and psychology terms. I intend to write it.)

But back to ‘neglect.’ Yes, that’s the most apt. It pushed (oh, paradox, you always show up when I least expect) from the surface all the way through to the heart of things.

I am sorry for that.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as worse as I have these past few months. Really, this past year. Maybe make it two, if I really dig deep.

If I start now, I think I’ll be able to get out of this.

It’s been quiet here these past few months and I apologize for that. For once, it’s not from a lack of activity, rather, it’s been an onslaught. It’s been… messy, to say the least.

Thankfully, there are amazing people in my life to help remind me of the bright spots.

This past Friday my friend and I took an impromptu walk around the UC Berkeley campus and since neither of us attended the school, it was fun to stroll around the campus, exploring the lay of the land.

While wandering around, we got to wondering what it might have been like had we taken different paths in life. Now, I don’t regret where I ended up, what I eventually learned, or who I met, but as we’re all wont to do, I wondered, “what if?”

Yes, that question can quickly spiral us downward– it’s not just ruminating on the big choices (like going to a particular university), but the supposedly insignificant ones as well (“why did I say that in that way?”) that are so easy to immerse in.

However, sometimes it just becomes so tiring to think about the things that didn’t happen.

So instead, I’m starting ask “why not?”

Let’s make things happen.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a proper, purely philobabble-y post, partly due to the fact that I haven’t been too thoughtful and that I’m hesitant to make picture-less posts ’cause the “how-to start a blog” articles in the recent years consider that to be bad blogging.

It’s a good thing that I’ve been at this for more than a decade, yeah?

In the month since I last updated, I haven’t been up to much. I’d like to say otherwise, but honestly, there hasn’t been much progress or growth, at least not of the tangible sort. Granted, there have been some family issues that have come up, but the kind that’s mostly emotionally exhausting than anything else. However, I’m not writing this as an excuse or an apology– I’ve certainly made many of those in the past.

My introverted and reserved personality has annoyingly led to spending too many days overanalyzing the significance of time and imposing too much importance on supposed milestones, all while failing to do the work to make them worthwhile.

Yeah, it’s silly.

As I near the second anniversary of Glass Lens, Gold Key, I intend to approach future work in the same way that I started this– on a whim. I had the idea and I just went with it, allowing it to evolve the way it has. Some ideas have been better than others, but I’m proud I was doing something rather than nothing. I intend to just run with ideas as they come, but more importantly, I want to share them with an immediacy that I haven’t allowed myself to pursue in the past. Given my frequent reluctance to do anything, it’s a habit that can only help, both personally and professionally.

And yes, this post was brought to you by the letter P. ;P (See?!)